Bridal Tyranny

How to Give Up Control and Truly Enjoy Your Wedding

Several years ago when I worked as the travel editor for a bridal magazine, I came across a term called "bridal tyranny." I fell in love with this expression because it had been a year in which I'd been a bridesmaid in four different weddings. I disliked most of these experiences immensely, and after each wedding, I vowed never to do it again. In fact, on the way home from one of them, I removed the dyed satin pumps (a nauseating shade of peach) which had been killing my feet all night, and hurled them out the car window.

Bridal tyranny. It's a temporary condition that strikes the majority of brides regardless of their chronological age or the emotional maturity they might display in other areas of their lives. It's more common in younger brides than older ones, though I've seen 40-year olds who are otherwise easy-going transform into control freaks when planning their weddings. At the risk of sounding sexist, this doesn't happen to men. I haven't heard many stories of bridegrooms getting hysterical over shoe-dye colors or insisting that members of the wedding party wear the exact same shade of lilac panty hose.

Why It's Important To Give Up Control

Weddings are uniquely personal events. It's a way for a couple to make a statement to their community about their commitment to each other. For guests, it's an opportunity to share in the couple's happiness while being touched and entertained by the spectacle of the ceremony. But the preparation leading up to the wedding can be unbearably stressful because of the intense long-term planning, the family politics, and the belief that life is supposed to be perfectly flawless for this one special day. Not to mention the expectation that you're going to be happily in love forever. But in reality, there are no flawless days in life, and my primary recommendation is this: let go of the quest for perfection.

At Ed and Barbara's wedding, an uncontrollable turn of events caused the caterers to never show up. The ceremony began on schedule even though there were no tables and chairs, and not a drop of food to be seen. After the ceremony was over, they ended up sending out for pizza to feed 75 people. Some would consider this a disaster. Ed and Barbara consider it one of the sweetest, most treasured stories of their life together.

At my own back yard wedding in 1987, it began to rain in the middle of the ceremony. My husband and I laughed with joy at the cosmic beauty of this occurrence, and about 90 percent of the guests felt the same way. The caterers had to move their operation indoors, and it was quite a crush inside the small living room of the house.

Did we care? Did anyone? Not a bit. Because during the actual wedding, everybody gets so caught up in the moment that all minuscule details that mattered so much only yesterday suddenly mean absolutely nothing. Most couples go unconscious during their wedding ceremonies... it's a combination of stage fright and emotional overwhelm. And when this happens, I guarantee that you will not care about what color shoes the bridesmaids are wearing.

The kind of control many people attempt to exert over other people and the natural flow of life in general reaches obsessive proportions when it comes to weddings. At the wedding of Wendy and Harold for example, the bride insisted that each bridesmaid wear an identical pair of tiny pearl stud earrings. To insure compliance, she even bought them as gifts for her attendants. The dresses she chose for her friends were of a stomach-churning pale orange hue, she insisted that they wear the exact same color stockings, with the traditional dyed satin pumps. They were also, of course, expected to pay for the dresses and shoes themselves ($250) and to wear them happily, even though one of the bridesmaids was seven months pregnant and was miserable in high-heels, and another was allergic to the posts of most pierced earrings (even real gold, which these were not).

This kind of dictatorship is really not necessary. The dresses you choose may look wonderful on a friend who's five-foot-nine and has a body like a model, but will it be flattering to the friend who's overweight? Keep in mind that your friends are mature individuals with their own personalities and identities. Why try to make them look all the same? A color-coordinated flock of virginal maidens dressed up like pastel flowers may work if you're 22 and all your friends are thin and waiflike, but these days, women are strong, independent and individual. Honoring that in them makes an important statement about you.

Location, Location, Location

For those of us who came of age in the 1960's and 70's, nature weddings - in rugged and unusual outdoor environments - were the flavor of the week. It's likely that some of us have attended at least one wedding under a full moon in the forest, or on a deserted beach at sunset, and for those who preferred to live by common sense rather than tradition, sneakers and a warm jacket replaced chiffon dresses and tuxedos as we trekked through mud and sand to share in the nuptial joy. Outdoor locations are wonderful, but if you're inviting a large group of people, you'll need to consider the comfort of elders, kids and others who may not be able to manage a hike down a canyon trail.

In 1974, I attended two memorable hippie weddings, which were probably the events that inspired to eventually become a wedding officiant myself. One was held in the forest, and the event was beautiful and profound, but a real hassle when it came to carrying in food, tables and other necessities. The other - my favorite wedding of all time - was on a high cliff overlooking the sea. The guests gathered there, and watched the bride and groom arrive from across the grassy moors on a motorcycle, he driving and she on the back, her veil trailing in the wind behind her. After the ceremony, we all walked together back to the home of the couple, a few hundred yards from where the wedding had been. It was much easier having the reception in a place with running water.

In an example of an outdoor wedding that didn't work, Carl and Rhonda decided marry at sunrise on the beach. There were two problems with this. One, many guests simply refused to show up at this outrageous hour, and two, my voice, as the minister, along with the voices of Carl and Rhonda, was inaudible against the sound of the crashing waves and the chilly wind. Be aware of problems like this. Nature is beautiful, but it can be cold and noisy.

The Content Vs. The Form

While you may insist on a traditional white church wedding, it's important to know that you're allowed to improvise on the content of the ceremony. Consider a few alternatives, such as writing your own vows, having a talented friend sing a special song, including a reading of your favorite poetry, or involving selected friends and family in the ceremony by having them say a few words. This last idea is the one I like best, because a commitment ceremony is about declaring your love to the world, and then taking your place in that world as a bonded couple. Why not include the world in the rites?

Also, a very common mistake made by many couples is that stand facing the officiant, with their backs to the audience. It's really sad when they do this. They should be facing each other. Deep unwavering eye contact between bride and groom should be required. If you can't look each other in eye, you shouldn't be getting married.

And a word about religion... the choice is yours and yours alone. I counsel couples all the time who are struggling with the fact that they don't want to marry within the structural and dogmatic confines of their parents' religion, yet the parents are pressuring them to do so. My advice to them is to make their own choices, and to remember that the statement they make on their wedding day will set a precedent for the years to come. If there are children in the future and the religious question is not addressed early on, there may be a lifetime of conflict ahead.

Keeping Yourself Sane

Wedding traditions, like all other traditions, are not set in cement, and there is no rule, law or cultural taboo against altering them to fit your needs and your personality (unless you're deeply devoted to a particular religion or tradition that forbids you to improvise). So start by giving yourself permission to step outside convention and use your imagination. This event should be for the bride and groom and no one else (though remember to respect other people's boundaries when it comes to choosing bridesmaid's gowns and other details that might enforce your will too strongly on others).

Parents and other family members may want to take charge, and there are sensitive emotional politics involved there (especially when the family is footing the bill). So set boundaries and state preferences right from the start by calling a meeting of all involved and laying your cards on the table about your vision of the event. Then let the negotiations begin.

A wedding requires the same consideration for the social comfort of the guests as any other party. While it's true that they're all there because of their love for you, they're still going to need help meeting and relating to one another. You are going to be too distracted to manage the normal duties of a host, so I suggest appointing two or more 'social ambassadors' to help out. You might ask some of the bridesmaids or ushers who have outgoing personalities to do this for you, or recruit other friends, especially those who will be attending the wedding unaccompanied. If you have it in your budget, you can hire a professional wedding coordinator who will assume this role. Some of his or her tasks might include:

Greeting people at the door as they arrive.
Acting as emcee from the stage at the reception.
Table-hopping, introducing themselves and providing introductions for others.
Facilitating activities, such as letting people know that it's time to move into an adjacent room for the cake-cutting.
Music coordinator - maintaining communication with the band or emcee to handle special requests, channel information, schedule toasts & other presentations.
Detail management - Handling the little hassles that occur, such as running out of wine, deciding when it's time to cut the cake, handling the exchange of money with the hired help, and a thousand other unpredictable crises that a bride and groom should not have to bother with.
Acting as your personal assistant and messenger. The band leader might want to know if you'd like them to stay an extra hour (for additional cost) or cut them loose at 11:00. Your assistant can relay messages like this back and forth, and act as your spokesperson. You might need to get a message to the kitchen or settle a bill with the valet parking guys. Your assistant can handle all this for you.